Damara Hutchins

A chip on my shoulder

Damara Hutchins

I'm not a huge potato chip person. I know that is a bold declaration to make, but I'm saying that because I don't want anyone thinking I have to have potato chips or I'd fall off the face of the earth and be flung into a self-pity orbit of our planet if I don't get to eat chips every day. It isn't like that.

I will say that when I want chips, I would appreciate it if they were available in the house at any given time. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I am, after all, the self-appointed department head of grocery management in my home.

This is where things get hinky. I buy chips every week. The type I purchase depends on what happens to be on sale so I'm not necessarily in a committed relationship with one brand, but I do tend to avoid generic brands because I am a snob with certain grocery items and chips are definitely "name brand or bust" in my book.

Corn chips and potato chips get equal play in my house, but my favorite are "sour cream and cheddar" flavored. It doesn't matter if they have ridges or not. This is what I love.

Every week, I look for these to be on sale and I'll usually buy them even if they aren't. I also snag a bag of something else the family likes, but the outcome is the same: my bag is gone fast.

I'm lucky if I get one bowl of chips from the bag because if I wait one day, the chips are gone. Usually, the backup bag has been eaten too.

My husband loves chips and he is part of the problem, but I can't lay all the blame on his tummy. The real issue in our house is the overgrown-and-still-growing teenage boy that seems to have a bottomless pit for a stomach. The kid never stops eating.

If I ate like him, at my current nonexistent workout rate, I'd be around 450 pounds. He's all lean muscle and height. I know he works out at basketball practice six days a week, but I still pout a little at the unfairness of a youthful metabolism.

The boy inhales food like a pelican gulping down a fresh catch from the ocean. We took him to the Hibachi Grill and he consumed six full plates.

He eats so much, going to the bathroom is a waste of eating time so he munches while he's in there too. I always find apple cores or wrappers in the bathroom garbage. It is disgusting.

We have approached him about the unsanitary aspect of feeding oneself in the same room you do your business, but he doesn't care. He claims he only eats in the shower, but I know for a fact he hasn't had a shower every time I've found food garbage in the bathroom.

Anyway, I kicked things up a bit and went overboard last week to satisfy my own hunger. Did I buy four bags of chips? No. Six? Not quite. I bought eight bags of chips! That's right, eight. Two bags were just for me and the other six were distractions to lure the others away from the chips I plan on eating at a normal pace. It has been five days and I still have a whole bag of my chips left unopened. I feel like I have accomplished something ridiculous and pricey.

I will say one thing: victory has never tasted so cheesy.