I get compliment cards at work for being effective and pleasant at my job. People usually like me and often ask if I’ll be their nurse when they get admitted to the floor from the ER. I’m friendly, I joke, smile, and I try to keep patients informed as much as possible. What I’m getting at is that I’m a good nurse, most of the time.
I’m not a good nurse at home. I’m not sure why, but when I slide my badge across that time clock ending my shift and speed home in my car, I don’t feel the need or desire to take care of anyone else.
My daughter says, “I have a headache.” I say, “Drink some water.” My son gets a scrape or some other type of wound and we usually don’t even have Band-Aids in our house. I ask, “Is it bleeding much?” If it isn’t, then he can jump in the shower and stay off the couch. If it doesn’t kill them, they’ll survive.
My son has rarely been to the pediatrician in his life. My daughter has been a bit more often, but only because she has bad luck with injuries and if someone is going to eat a piece of raw food by accident, it will be her. I’m just not a worrying type of mother.
A few weeks ago, my husband, Chris, decided to ram one of his toes into a door. He told me the entire story while I was at work and I was laughing so hard I almost peed myself. I felt a bit bad for all the laughing after I saw it because his toe looked horrible. I was absolutely convinced the nail was going to fall off.
This is the thing about Chris: he isn’t human. I’m convinced he is a unique hybrid of vampire and alien because he possesses super healing powers. Years ago, I saw the tip of his thumb cut off and it totally healed. You can’t even tell which thumb it was. The man is not normal.
I decided to be a half-hearted nurse and I brought him a bag of ice. Like he needed ice! He was in pain for a few days, but a busted toe wasn’t going to slow my guy down for long.
Chris decided to document his healing journey by taking a picture a day of his toe. Yes, he did this. Some people take a picture a day of their pregnancy. My friend, Amanda, did this weekly. You could see her belly grow and it was adorable because she is adorable. Chris’s toe is not remotely adorable.
If you are lucky enough to be one of his friends on Facebook, you can watch Chris’ toe video and see the transformation from an absolute bloody mess to a completely healed digit in about 22 days (or frames). I’ve had bruises last longer than that.
I suppose it sounds like I’m jealous and I guess I am. Right now as I sit here typing this article, my back is aching and spasming. It has been doing this off and on since that jerk from the roller rink ran into me. I’m sure if I were Chris, my back would have healed into a bionic spine that shoots lasers.
Even though my body isn’t as awesome as Chris’, at least our children seem to have his healthy constitution. For that, I am thankful. Concerning my own injuries: nurse, heal thyself.