Damara Hutchins

One gift that keeps giving

My husband, Chris, and I have been together a long time. Over the years, we have given each other many gifts. He started off a little sketchy with me. I remember the black, white, and red fuzzy zebra-striped car seat covers he gave me for my 20th birthday. I had a white Firebird and we lived in South Florida. It was always hot and I wore shorts most of the time which means I had fuzz stuck to the backs of my thighs more often than not.

Since then, he has improved exponentially in his gifting abilities. He is excellent with the element of surprise, he’s romantic, he’s spontaneous, he plans ahead; I can’t say enough about how incredible he is. I, on the other hand, can be hit or miss.

In my mind, I’m a multi-millionaire. I want to give Chris a yacht or a backyard barbecue pit or maybe just a brand new RV so we can go “camping” in style. Unfortunately, our budget forces me to be creative which makes me frustrated because I can’t usually find what I’m looking for.

This past Father’s Day was a disaster in gifting on my part. I bought him several items including some shirts and two pair of shoes, all of which did not fit. Almost everything was returned. I was heartbroken. I can’t even buy my husband something nice on a day I appreciate him the most.

One item that remained was the Bug Zapper. It was inexpensive and a bit of a joke, but I wouldn’t let him take it back. It is shaped like a tennis racket and, once a couple of double A-sized batteries (not included) are shoved inside, it literally zaps bugs to death at the push of a button.

The Bug Zapper sat unopened in its package for over a month until opportunity presented itself in the form of a pesky mosquito bothering my love. I quickly ran to the Zapper and had to ask him where the batteries were because he knows these things.

We were skeptical at first because this insect torture device did not feel like it was exactly a quality product. I’d go so far as to say it felt like it was just a cheap piece of junk that wouldn’t really work. Boy was I wrong.

That mosquito didn’t stand a chance. Bzzzzt! Dead and gone from this world in a millisecond. I don’t even know where the pieces went. They seem to have disintegrated into thin air.

We needed more test subjects. Every night, multiple species of bugs gather around our carport light and attack our faces when we come into the house. Perfect!

For some reason, on this night, the light was off! I flipped on the switch and we stood out in the carport waiting for some action. The insects were slow to arrive, but once they did, the light show began.

Just a consumer tip for any adventurous souls: when using a Bug Zapper, don’t get it too close to your face or hair, especially if a large bug gets caught on the grid. That sucker can throw off some serious sparks!

Since our first gruesome experiments in electric insect destruction, we keep the Zapper close at hand. When one of us spies a mosquito, we call for assistance. I’ll try to lure it out with my exposed legs (my thighs are like the mosquito equivalent to a bucket of KFC) and then, ZAP!

And to think, we used to be such nice, peaceful people.